The Almost Place...
...can be relieving. It can provide the time to feel vastness before an endpoint. In its ambiguity, it seems anxietous, but once I sit in it, it can feel luxurious. It is the part of the process that clearly holds both certainty and the Unknown.
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
Sunday, August 3, 2014
When a Shot Cut Through...
...and a shot cut through to the deepest scar...
...my right fingertips clawed more out, and in the same far-reaching motion, they distributed it outward. My left hand needed to help hold the moving claw. And like a fork-lift, my right hand dumped the pile of darkness out while my left hand provided a pillow for my tear-filled cheeks...
...I kissed my knee cap. I kissed my hand upon my knee and then rested my tearful cheek on the back of my hand...
I hugged myself and rocked side-to-side.
...I pushed myself back onto my own two feet, and with the strength acquired in my shoulder girdle, I braced myself while growing to standing...
...my left palm open and my right guarding my heart...but with time, as terrifying as it was, I opened both hands, offered two open palms and later, with arms open and chest lifted, I started to take the first steps forward. ...
...my right fingertips clawed more out, and in the same far-reaching motion, they distributed it outward. My left hand needed to help hold the moving claw. And like a fork-lift, my right hand dumped the pile of darkness out while my left hand provided a pillow for my tear-filled cheeks...
...I kissed my knee cap. I kissed my hand upon my knee and then rested my tearful cheek on the back of my hand...
I hugged myself and rocked side-to-side.
...I pushed myself back onto my own two feet, and with the strength acquired in my shoulder girdle, I braced myself while growing to standing...
...my left palm open and my right guarding my heart...but with time, as terrifying as it was, I opened both hands, offered two open palms and later, with arms open and chest lifted, I started to take the first steps forward. ...
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
One Palm.
My hand found my heart and my thumb carved out an open space.
I sat cross-legged, perched, with an open heart and open palms.
I made a choice from one to the other and began to create the writing on the wall.
Then, flutters of breath arose; a need for release.
I laid stomach down, arms in front, face buried in my hair.
My arms protected my eyes and shielded them from the light.
My palms found each other and clasped the Other.
With my fingertips intertwined and the sense of joining another, both pain and comfort found my heart place and flutters turned to tears. Release was found.
I yearned for a palm to be pressed on my back, the space between my scapulae.
The joiners let go and explored separation and small connections: my pinky found a thumb, a ring-finger to index...they needed space.
I needed to find the weight in my arms and feel the strength of my shoulders.
I ended up crawling, entering the space and leaving, entering and leaving...
With arms overhead, the wall seemed crooked. I could not find the balance.
And so, I sat up, slid my back up against the wall and began to roll, leaning my weight into the hard surface, pressing and feeling the liminal space between the dry wall and my skin.
I pressed my
hands
arms
back
cheek
chest
forehead
in preparation to return.
When I came back, I reached my arm out, palm up, and fit my fingers underneath. And with this one, small connection, I was met with so much joy and laughter! They engulfed me.
I sat cross-legged, perched, with an open heart and open palms.
I made a choice from one to the other and began to create the writing on the wall.
Then, flutters of breath arose; a need for release.
I laid stomach down, arms in front, face buried in my hair.
My arms protected my eyes and shielded them from the light.
My palms found each other and clasped the Other.
With my fingertips intertwined and the sense of joining another, both pain and comfort found my heart place and flutters turned to tears. Release was found.
I yearned for a palm to be pressed on my back, the space between my scapulae.
The joiners let go and explored separation and small connections: my pinky found a thumb, a ring-finger to index...they needed space.
I needed to find the weight in my arms and feel the strength of my shoulders.
I ended up crawling, entering the space and leaving, entering and leaving...
With arms overhead, the wall seemed crooked. I could not find the balance.
And so, I sat up, slid my back up against the wall and began to roll, leaning my weight into the hard surface, pressing and feeling the liminal space between the dry wall and my skin.
I pressed my
hands
arms
back
cheek
chest
forehead
in preparation to return.
When I came back, I reached my arm out, palm up, and fit my fingers underneath. And with this one, small connection, I was met with so much joy and laughter! They engulfed me.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
June 24, 2014
Half in, half out. Though,
I.Am.Willing.
We three strands I braided to make one.
Distantly intimate.
For you, I was Grandmother:
and when I returned to only leave again,
then-you felt ready to let go; complete.
The smallest connection can be all that is necessary, and more.
I.Am.Willing.
We three strands I braided to make one.
Distantly intimate.
For you, I was Grandmother:
and when I returned to only leave again,
then-you felt ready to let go; complete.
The smallest connection can be all that is necessary, and more.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
I Had a Dream.
He was present, he was whole--
He was Home.
It was him, but really he had never been that shadow.
He never got there with me.
It was all a dream.
I woke up quickly,
I gasped
and my eyelids popped open
and the lighting changed.
Then, the melody came in, and I sobbed.
He had never seen Me.
"All of me, loves all of you."
"Set fire to the rain,
it's the last time."
"if only NY weren't so far away,
when you're scared and alone,
just know that I'm already
home."
"We knew this day would come,
how did it come so fast?
I will have to slip away."
"that's just how I feel
tryin' to be something real,
trying to reach a place that I can see."
"leave my heart open
and it stays right here in its cage.
the story of my life."
"I've been waiting for this
time to come around."
"unravel my latest mistake,
winter just wasn't my season.
you can't jump a track...
cradle your head in your hands,
and just breathe.
If I get it all down on paper,
it no longer threatens me:
I feel naked."
"because I'm happy; happiness is the truth."
I should probably warn you,
I'll be just fine.
Can't nuttin' bring me down,
Love is good. Clap along.
if that's what you want to do."
"set the tone
won't you let me know?
this love is a blaze,
one small act of kindness
I need you, Darling."
"the bough breaks,
and it came down with a crash
a love letter:
tell the world,
that we finally got it all right.
we choose.
you found me, then everything changed
we'll learn from our mistakes,
as long as it takes--
I am not scared,
I choose You."
***
I know this place,
I have been here before.
Stay a while and maybe
next time won't hurt as much,
next time, will.be.lighter.
He was Home.
It was him, but really he had never been that shadow.
He never got there with me.
It was all a dream.
I woke up quickly,
I gasped
and my eyelids popped open
and the lighting changed.
Then, the melody came in, and I sobbed.
He had never seen Me.
"All of me, loves all of you."
"Set fire to the rain,
it's the last time."
"if only NY weren't so far away,
when you're scared and alone,
just know that I'm already
home."
"We knew this day would come,
how did it come so fast?
I will have to slip away."
"that's just how I feel
tryin' to be something real,
trying to reach a place that I can see."
"leave my heart open
and it stays right here in its cage.
the story of my life."
"I've been waiting for this
time to come around."
"unravel my latest mistake,
winter just wasn't my season.
you can't jump a track...
cradle your head in your hands,
and just breathe.
If I get it all down on paper,
it no longer threatens me:
I feel naked."
"because I'm happy; happiness is the truth."
I should probably warn you,
I'll be just fine.
Can't nuttin' bring me down,
Love is good. Clap along.
if that's what you want to do."
"set the tone
won't you let me know?
this love is a blaze,
one small act of kindness
I need you, Darling."
"the bough breaks,
and it came down with a crash
a love letter:
tell the world,
that we finally got it all right.
we choose.
you found me, then everything changed
we'll learn from our mistakes,
as long as it takes--
I am not scared,
I choose You."
***
I know this place,
I have been here before.
Stay a while and maybe
next time won't hurt as much,
next time, will.be.lighter.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Ready and Willing
...and I realize: I'm ready and waiting for You.
I want to receive You; I'm here in my place, in my life, with my arms reached out, palms open with
my fingers extended, wanting the weight of your presence in the center of my palms.
It is You that I want, that I wrap my fingers around and hold onto.
Your essence is the small, dark place between my curled fingers and cupped palms that
I endlessly hold onto while I wait for your return.
My body moves:
searches, squirms and continues to explore
while my hands stay steadfast,
unwilling to let go of You.
I.am.ready.
I want to receive You; I'm here in my place, in my life, with my arms reached out, palms open with
my fingers extended, wanting the weight of your presence in the center of my palms.
It is You that I want, that I wrap my fingers around and hold onto.
Your essence is the small, dark place between my curled fingers and cupped palms that
I endlessly hold onto while I wait for your return.
My body moves:
searches, squirms and continues to explore
while my hands stay steadfast,
unwilling to let go of You.
I.am.ready.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Because.
My true beginning was standing tall and still, holding my own face, cupping my cheeks and chin--an intimate and personal clutching. This place of Start was a clear statement of "this is Me," and "You are separate."
...I couldn't let go of the thought of your question and wanted to know for myself what were the answers. So, I set the intention to move and explore this. I relived the spaces that Were and wanted to re-enter them: peacefulness, pure tranquility, a clear presence with my breath...I re-experienced the small, quiet, intimate connections that really were more than their measurability as gestures. They were small massages, light caresses, a taking-care-of that culminated in a deep connection--that is such a surprise.
You moved my heart.
I wanted to touch my own heart and really, simultaneously hold the opposite and reflective space on my back. I could not, and so my hands found these places in the air: opposite and equal--in this relationship: how do they move? What are the options? How far apart can they be from each other but still in relationship? Then, when these two entities finally came together and met, they became one while each maintaining its individuality. They ebbed and flowed between a subtle connectivity and the giving and receiving of an intensity, force, fuller intention and therefore, weight. They danced!
I dreamed this before your arrival:
***
you looked out for me,
thought of me,
knew my flavors,
vouched for my colors
created the space for
me to run over,
get excited, take a fork,
grab a bite and
indulge...
this morning as it's happening,
I dreamt of someone else,
some other being who made me
feel seen
and appreciated Who and All that
I am,
not anything more or less.
***
And so, my answer, it turns out: I dreamed You.
And on your return, you delivered me a gift that was so surprising, I cried tears of appreciation and gratitude; then found peace.
Why?...
Because you hold me.
...I couldn't let go of the thought of your question and wanted to know for myself what were the answers. So, I set the intention to move and explore this. I relived the spaces that Were and wanted to re-enter them: peacefulness, pure tranquility, a clear presence with my breath...I re-experienced the small, quiet, intimate connections that really were more than their measurability as gestures. They were small massages, light caresses, a taking-care-of that culminated in a deep connection--that is such a surprise.
You moved my heart.
I wanted to touch my own heart and really, simultaneously hold the opposite and reflective space on my back. I could not, and so my hands found these places in the air: opposite and equal--in this relationship: how do they move? What are the options? How far apart can they be from each other but still in relationship? Then, when these two entities finally came together and met, they became one while each maintaining its individuality. They ebbed and flowed between a subtle connectivity and the giving and receiving of an intensity, force, fuller intention and therefore, weight. They danced!
I dreamed this before your arrival:
***
you looked out for me,
thought of me,
knew my flavors,
vouched for my colors
created the space for
me to run over,
get excited, take a fork,
grab a bite and
indulge...
this morning as it's happening,
I dreamt of someone else,
some other being who made me
feel seen
and appreciated Who and All that
I am,
not anything more or less.
***
And so, my answer, it turns out: I dreamed You.
And on your return, you delivered me a gift that was so surprising, I cried tears of appreciation and gratitude; then found peace.
Why?...
Because you hold me.
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