...and I realize: I'm ready and waiting for You.
I want to receive You; I'm here in my place, in my life, with my arms reached out, palms open with
my fingers extended, wanting the weight of your presence in the center of my palms.
It is You that I want, that I wrap my fingers around and hold onto.
Your essence is the small, dark place between my curled fingers and cupped palms that
I endlessly hold onto while I wait for your return.
My body moves:
searches, squirms and continues to explore
while my hands stay steadfast,
unwilling to let go of You.
I.am.ready.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Because.
My true beginning was standing tall and still, holding my own face, cupping my cheeks and chin--an intimate and personal clutching. This place of Start was a clear statement of "this is Me," and "You are separate."
...I couldn't let go of the thought of your question and wanted to know for myself what were the answers. So, I set the intention to move and explore this. I relived the spaces that Were and wanted to re-enter them: peacefulness, pure tranquility, a clear presence with my breath...I re-experienced the small, quiet, intimate connections that really were more than their measurability as gestures. They were small massages, light caresses, a taking-care-of that culminated in a deep connection--that is such a surprise.
You moved my heart.
I wanted to touch my own heart and really, simultaneously hold the opposite and reflective space on my back. I could not, and so my hands found these places in the air: opposite and equal--in this relationship: how do they move? What are the options? How far apart can they be from each other but still in relationship? Then, when these two entities finally came together and met, they became one while each maintaining its individuality. They ebbed and flowed between a subtle connectivity and the giving and receiving of an intensity, force, fuller intention and therefore, weight. They danced!
I dreamed this before your arrival:
***
you looked out for me,
thought of me,
knew my flavors,
vouched for my colors
created the space for
me to run over,
get excited, take a fork,
grab a bite and
indulge...
this morning as it's happening,
I dreamt of someone else,
some other being who made me
feel seen
and appreciated Who and All that
I am,
not anything more or less.
***
And so, my answer, it turns out: I dreamed You.
And on your return, you delivered me a gift that was so surprising, I cried tears of appreciation and gratitude; then found peace.
Why?...
Because you hold me.
...I couldn't let go of the thought of your question and wanted to know for myself what were the answers. So, I set the intention to move and explore this. I relived the spaces that Were and wanted to re-enter them: peacefulness, pure tranquility, a clear presence with my breath...I re-experienced the small, quiet, intimate connections that really were more than their measurability as gestures. They were small massages, light caresses, a taking-care-of that culminated in a deep connection--that is such a surprise.
You moved my heart.
I wanted to touch my own heart and really, simultaneously hold the opposite and reflective space on my back. I could not, and so my hands found these places in the air: opposite and equal--in this relationship: how do they move? What are the options? How far apart can they be from each other but still in relationship? Then, when these two entities finally came together and met, they became one while each maintaining its individuality. They ebbed and flowed between a subtle connectivity and the giving and receiving of an intensity, force, fuller intention and therefore, weight. They danced!
I dreamed this before your arrival:
***
you looked out for me,
thought of me,
knew my flavors,
vouched for my colors
created the space for
me to run over,
get excited, take a fork,
grab a bite and
indulge...
this morning as it's happening,
I dreamt of someone else,
some other being who made me
feel seen
and appreciated Who and All that
I am,
not anything more or less.
***
And so, my answer, it turns out: I dreamed You.
And on your return, you delivered me a gift that was so surprising, I cried tears of appreciation and gratitude; then found peace.
Why?...
Because you hold me.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
3/11/2014
I could not get rid of it, it is not time. But I could manipulate it, change it and reform it to slowly slink away while still confronting it.
I OM'd and OM'd; breathed. And exhaled with tears.
I returned to the place I started, anew.
I OM'd and OM'd; breathed. And exhaled with tears.
I returned to the place I started, anew.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Still.My own.
My heart is my heart
it is a gift
that bleeds
that weeps
that aches
that melts
that sheds
that peels
that reels
that screams
it shakes and crumbles
expands and assembles
cracks and creaks
breaks and resembles
it sinks and quakes
makes waves and goes
still.
I tremble
it is mine
a gift to you
but mine and my own.
My hand found my heart, pressed--and I
exhaled.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
No Longer Interrupted
Monday Interrupted
(1/17/2012)
My mind took me back to that place and unfortunately, my body followed, as it holds the memory of that here and now and retold all that there was.
My heart trembled, trying to go faster and faster, pumping harder and harder in feeble attempts to send oxygen to my cells as
I couldn't breathe.
My lungs got smaller and smaller, constricted.
I gasped for air through the pain, but nothing came in
The heels of my palms met each eyelid and
My head just shook, "No, no, no..."
I couldn't move but only the dance of despair from that night.
I was stalemated,
I never started.
I am forever haunted by the choice to move out of the way--the moment when I chose Me to survive and He to receive.
...
...
(1/18/2012)
Then, I began scooping and collecting from the place where I found my strength. I was rallying it, pushing it up my torso and spreading a little bit to the rest of my body. I was trying to deliver nuggets of strength to the rest of my body.
Someone touched my foot and it was the first time I became aware of the rest of me. It provided the anchor I didn't even know I needed to continue the spreading and raising of this strength. It was a reminder of the rest of me and that was comforting.
I held this nugget, cupped it in my hands and delivered it to my chest. I wanted it to stay there, to stay awake and alive. I turned to my side and curled my arms around it, on my chest. I was keeping it, protecting it, knew it was important. I wanted to hold onto it so steadfastly, I was moved to tears.
She witnessed my back as it was facing her and referenced Edvard Munch's "The Scream". I revealed that my hands were indeed on my cheeks and I had the overwhelming urge to scream, but alas, I never did, at least not with my vocal chords.
"If I am invisible, I am safe but alone."
(1/19/2012)
...I had him bounded in twine and in a horizontal wooden box...My sister's arm ended up wrapping around my shoulder. ...I was finally able to rest...slumped over my torso and put my head in my hands and was finally able to let go.
That's where we paused.
Tingling in my feet
Tingling golden in my hands
Seat, lumbar, cervical spine were rooted.
Tearing
Sweating
A planet's orbit around the base of my skull.
Opened my eyes and my neck and base of my skull were sore.
And under my eyes were sore--these were my optic nerves.
I rested them and when my vision came into focus a white tadpole left my skull, everything was clearer.
My feeling towards the memory was lighter, clearer and with a broad stroke of white.
(1/22/2012)
(1/17/2012)
My mind took me back to that place and unfortunately, my body followed, as it holds the memory of that here and now and retold all that there was.
My heart trembled, trying to go faster and faster, pumping harder and harder in feeble attempts to send oxygen to my cells as
I couldn't breathe.
My lungs got smaller and smaller, constricted.
I gasped for air through the pain, but nothing came in
The heels of my palms met each eyelid and
My head just shook, "No, no, no..."
I couldn't move but only the dance of despair from that night.
I was stalemated,
I never started.
I am forever haunted by the choice to move out of the way--the moment when I chose Me to survive and He to receive.
...
...
(1/18/2012)
Then, I began scooping and collecting from the place where I found my strength. I was rallying it, pushing it up my torso and spreading a little bit to the rest of my body. I was trying to deliver nuggets of strength to the rest of my body.
Someone touched my foot and it was the first time I became aware of the rest of me. It provided the anchor I didn't even know I needed to continue the spreading and raising of this strength. It was a reminder of the rest of me and that was comforting.
I held this nugget, cupped it in my hands and delivered it to my chest. I wanted it to stay there, to stay awake and alive. I turned to my side and curled my arms around it, on my chest. I was keeping it, protecting it, knew it was important. I wanted to hold onto it so steadfastly, I was moved to tears.
She witnessed my back as it was facing her and referenced Edvard Munch's "The Scream". I revealed that my hands were indeed on my cheeks and I had the overwhelming urge to scream, but alas, I never did, at least not with my vocal chords.
"If I am invisible, I am safe but alone."
(1/19/2012)
...I had him bounded in twine and in a horizontal wooden box...My sister's arm ended up wrapping around my shoulder. ...I was finally able to rest...slumped over my torso and put my head in my hands and was finally able to let go.
That's where we paused.
Tingling in my feet
Tingling golden in my hands
Seat, lumbar, cervical spine were rooted.
Tearing
Sweating
A planet's orbit around the base of my skull.
Opened my eyes and my neck and base of my skull were sore.
And under my eyes were sore--these were my optic nerves.
I rested them and when my vision came into focus a white tadpole left my skull, everything was clearer.
My feeling towards the memory was lighter, clearer and with a broad stroke of white.
(1/22/2012)
Monday, February 20, 2012
All of Me
Re-enters my mind
Then I remember my heart
My heart cries.
I cup the weight of my heart in my two hands
trying to contain it,
I cannot.
My tears are the catalyst to the release
and my hands disengage, all digits but one.
I pry open each finger, one-by-one and this last ring finger
lingers
Beckoning
Beckoning what remains.
It is the last thread still in need of
tilling, twirling--something.
It traces a single line on the floor.
The line from the weight of my heart still attached
to me.
One last bit of ember
that will not burn.
It is not ready.
So I embrace it, I kiss it.
It is part of me and I battle
to choose.
I fight and tread to remember
to love it, to love
All of me.
I reach out
Reach out to nourish my soul, receive.
It evolves to begin to fill me up
I find strength in it, it finds a power from within.
Soon, two sides of me are integrating into one: the darker, fuller side and the lighter, airier side.
They feed off each other.
They become as one, I move as one with both sides infusing me.
I am power, strength, omni-love
Love found from others engulfed by my Self, internalized.
Existing as love and acceptance
for this body
this mind
this spirit
The one who is Me,
All of Me.
Then I remember my heart
My heart cries.
I cup the weight of my heart in my two hands
trying to contain it,
I cannot.
My tears are the catalyst to the release
and my hands disengage, all digits but one.
I pry open each finger, one-by-one and this last ring finger
lingers
Beckoning
Beckoning what remains.
It is the last thread still in need of
tilling, twirling--something.
It traces a single line on the floor.
The line from the weight of my heart still attached
to me.
One last bit of ember
that will not burn.
It is not ready.
So I embrace it, I kiss it.
It is part of me and I battle
to choose.
I fight and tread to remember
to love it, to love
All of me.
I reach out
Reach out to nourish my soul, receive.
It evolves to begin to fill me up
I find strength in it, it finds a power from within.
Soon, two sides of me are integrating into one: the darker, fuller side and the lighter, airier side.
They feed off each other.
They become as one, I move as one with both sides infusing me.
I am power, strength, omni-love
Love found from others engulfed by my Self, internalized.
Existing as love and acceptance
for this body
this mind
this spirit
The one who is Me,
All of Me.
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